Money Matters-Top Reason for Marital Disharmony and Relationship Conflicts
It is the opinion of experts, both marriage counselors and psychologists, that marital problems like disputes, arguments and unfortunately divorce, often have as their basis the financial of the family. The income of the family, as well as the priorities of expenditure, usually happens to become the reason for quarrels.
Sociologists, who have reached this phenomenon thoroughly have found that when a wife has a higher income bracket than her husband, it gives rise to ego problems as well as a lowering of self-confidence in the husband. If they both happen to be in the same income group, the opportunities of ego clashes as well as arguments are reached.
But, if there is only one earning member - the husband - the wife has to face continuous reproaches - one, for not earning, and the other for not budgeting expenditure sensibly! The non-earning wife tolerates the harassment and the unjust accusations because she has to consider the well-being of the family, the house and the children.
It is only by compromise and tolerance that she can manage to keep things on an even balance. In fact, people believe that the house in which the husband is the only earning member is found to be comparatively happy.
Of course, one does feel the pinch occasionally when there is not enough money in the family kitty, but when you know your financial limitations, it is always sensible to learn how to manage the budget accordingly!
Here, the husband and wife cooperate with each other in making sure that the finances are never overdrawn and spending is limited to the basics, or to the bare essentials.
This healthy and sensible attitude towards financing your budget is quite effective in making your family economy run smoothly. But when both the members happen to be salaried, there happens to be a little conflict of interests. The first is, of course, the proportion which each must give out of his or her salary into the common budget.
The man reason for such a conflict between a husband and wife is the free economic rules of our free society! But we cannot always blame the principles and rules of economy. Ego clashes and arguments just because the other partner earns a little bit more are quite immature.
Marriage is a partnership. Each partner has the duty to contribute to the housekeeping budget.
Of course, if you decide to spend a little bit of your own hard-earned money on a gift for your spouse on his or her birthday, or for any special occasion, it is an added bonus for the healthy growth of caring and understanding in your own marriage. And if you have your vacations together, make sure that it is not the responsibility of one partner to pay all the bills!
In a partnership, where does this idea of “This is yours” and “This is mine” have its place?
There is this joke about a husband complaining, “Of course, in the marriage vows I promised, ‘With all my worldly goods, I thee endow.’ My wife has interpreted it in this way: what is yours, my dear husband, is mine, and what is mine remains mine!”
Nowadays, there is another conflict of interests when occasionally the daughter-in-law protests against her husband spending on the old parents. Due to this, the daughters are coming to the forefront to make sure that the parents do not lack for anything. A clear case of “A son is a son till he takes a wife, but a daughter remains a daughter throughout her life!”
PRAISEWORTHY EFFORT
But that doesn’t mean that the sons-in-law are very happy with this state of affairs, either, human nature being what it is. If the daughter happens to earn and wishes to contribute to the upkeep of her parents, the problem of disputes is minimised.
But if she does not earn at all, and her husband wishes to set a good example and helps his in-laws, even at the risk of going without some material comforts, it is a very praiseworthy effort.
It is possibly because of this fear of ruining their daughters’ married harmony that many parents do not accept any help from their sons-in-law. But would one rather prefer to let his pride go when the only other option left is a life full of misery and hardship?
Sometimes, when women are extremely emotional or sensitive, they use a small excuse, be it·· financial or any other, to act offended or angry for quite a few days. Tension is often created when the stubborn husband goes back to the same subject again and again.
If matters are thought out in a logical and practical manner, a bit of compromise and discussion can immediately defuse a tense situation.
So, next time you have something to discuss with your partner, forget about the emotional display and try to talk calmly. Above all, listen to his opinion. Perhaps he has an idea, which has not had the chance to see the light of day! Money has become a top priority for the success of a marriage, when earlier, love, faithfulness and loyalty were supposed to form the basis of a successful marriage.
We do not bother to take this idea seriously. According to us, sex is merely a physical exercise. We forget that sex without a mental link of love is just a coupling which means absolutely nothing.
If there is some tension between a couple for monetary reasons, the sensitive issue has to be discussed clearly. Researchers have found out that the sex drive of a woman increases after a bout of aggressive shopping, while that of a man diminishes! The reason is that, the husbands are not very comfortable with parting with their hard-earned money, and this has an effect upon the libido..
THE MODERN WOMAN
A woman had no say in the economic processes, household dealings and budgeting of the family before. She did not know anything about the annual income of the family.
But now, a woman is literate enough to understand all the financial aspects. She understands the value of the money earned.
Now this feeling of self-reliance and adequacy is often intolerable to a male-oriented society. That is why the majority of economic disputes in a household can be due to this subconscious feeling and attitude. This shows itself openly when there is some major expenditure on hand. If you wish to buy a car or a flat, in whose name is it going to be registered? The husband’s or the wife’s? Who is going to contribute how much per cent to the expenditure? If you are going to take a loan, who takes the responsibility to return it? Think about these questions quietly. If both of you are earning, why not both of you contribute to a possession which eventually belongs to both of you? And if you come in the - higher income group, buy different cars!
But in case of the children’s education getting to be a bit too expensive, distribute the expenditure equally between yourselves.
Michael Douglas is a relationship expert and he is the webmaster of Love-Lectures.com where he provides help to improve your marriage, helpful tips for handling money problems in marriage & relationships, and surefire ways to bring back romance into your marriage.